Read a review you might have missed.  Sorry, REVIEW #4: In the Year 2525 by Zager & Evans is missing.

OK, this musical monstrosity starts out all warm and fuzzy, and cutesy and huggy, as it will remain throughout the song, but here we get a nice WIIIITTTHHH of, I’m guessing, wind through the trees. Then the lyrics start (by the way, The Captain and Tenille give Faith Hill a serious run for her money at being the worst lyricists ever.) "Muskrat, muskrat candle light, Muskrat, muskrat, doin’ the town and doin’ it right, In the evenin’, It’s pretty pleasin’." I do not want to know where this is going so far. Anytime there’s a love story between to rodents, who aren’t named Mickey and Minnie, and it involves romance, it is not something I am going to want to hum to myself during the day to help pass the time. Then, without my consent, it continues, "Muskrat Suzy and Muskrat Sam, Do the Jitterbug down in Muskratland" short musical pause to here something going CHCHCH to imitate muskrats shimming, a visual I do not want to have in my head, considering what muskrats look like, then they continue, "Sam, he’s so sK[she puts a lot of emphasis on the k for some reason]inny." What the hell? Glad I know that now, thanks for all the exposition, so now we can head into the refrain, after a musical break, featuring more cutsey forest fuzziness. Like I said, THIS is the refrain: "And they whirl, and they twirl, and they tango, Singin’ and jingin’ the jango." Yes, that’s no typo, you read it right "singin’ and jingin’ the jango" What the hell it means, I have no clue. I guess, in the world of the Captain and Tenille it must be some sort of fashionable and romantic muskrat dance, but to be it sounds like some sort of Jim Crow routine. "Floatin’ like the heavens above, looks like muskrat looo-ooo-ooo-oo-Oh-oo-ove!" How the hell do you come up with a song like this one? Were the Captain and his first lady trying to think of an idea for a song, and after many hours thinking and thinking and thinking, but coming up with nothing, does the Captain jump up and say, "Eureka! I know! We’ll write a song about rodents having sex!" and then Tenille says "Wow, that’s a swell idea, honey! You sure are a super musician! I’m so glad I married you!" But I digress. The next verse goes, "Nibblin’ on bacon, chewin’ on cheese" Let’s see… where would a muskrat have to live in order to get bacon and cheese… I know! A garbage dump! Suzy and Sam must live in a garbage dump right next to everyone’s old Captain and Tenille records! "Sammy says to Suzy, ‘Would you please be my missus’, And she says yes with her kisses" Must have been the way he jinged the jango. Our next verse is this month’s KICKER LYRICS, or the red hot muskrat love scene (you’ll see.) then we get treated to hearing the refrain again, then we get to hear something really special. Next up is a musical bridge consisting of record scratches being made hip-hop style over the warm, fuzzy background, presumably to imitate the sounds of muskrats getting busy or something. You know, this kind of thing could be like Barry White for muskrats, even though it’s more like nails on the chalkboard for us. After a while (and yes, this does go on for quite a while) these sounds start to sound like either Flipper on helium, or like a frog farting. The Refrain is repeated again next, and then we get to hear Tenille scat singing "doo-doo-do-doo-do" over and over again until the song starts to fade out. But oh, no, they won’t let you off that easy. Just when you think the song is finally over, they hit you with 20 seconds straight of banging on what sounds like a padded drum with the same rhythm being repeated over and over. I think this was put in, once again to give you the unwanted visual of Suzy and Sam banging each other, muskrat style. I can’t believe I just typed that. You’ve really gotta hear this song, it just totally defys description.

-Webmasta Derek K

The intro to this major MAP* song sounds like a duck blowing its nose, and is, by far and away the best sounding part. Then the lyrics start out, and Jack starts out in a sing-songy, overly perky, ludicrously white voice, (by the way, I swear to you, on Michael Bolton’s hair, that all the lyrics to this song, except for those I add to show what he must have meant by them in parentheses, are totally absolutely and 100% the real thing. Not even my warped mind could make this stuff up.)"Hey, little girl, comb your hair, soon he will open the door" his voice sounds like the announcer from "Leave it to Beaver," and leaving it to beaver is exactly what he has on his mind, no doubt, (If you know what I mean) but more on that later. Then the lyrics continue,"just because you have a ring on your finger, don’t mean you needn’t try anymooore" Oh, she oughta try something alright. Now here comes the refrain: "OOOO wives should always be lovers too! Run to his arms the moment he comes (Sorry if I spelled that wrong, Jack[ass]) home to you, run to his arms! (Unless you’re too busy making him a sandwich!) I’m wanting you! (To make me my babies, b---h! [JACKASS].) What follows is a small trumpet interlude of sorts, then he manages to top himself after that verse with this week’s KICKER LYRICS. Then comes another refrain, then comes a series of verses that make the rest of the song sound like "I Am Woman" by comparison. "Hey, little girl, better wear somethin’ pretty. Something to wear to go through the city. Then dim all the lights [PLEEEEEEASE! FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY NO!] While I start the music [what will they be listening to, I wonder? ‘Me & Bobby Riggs’? Archie Bunker’s Greatest Hits? Snoop Dogg? No! I’ll bet I know! They’re going to listen to Songs to Shag By, which, I kid you not, is the name of the album this song is from. JACKASS!] Time to get ready for looove!" What does he think she’ll say in response to this? "Tee Hee! You SO make me feel like the object that I am you big, strong, handsome man you! Now let me have a turn with your object, tee hee!" The scary part is that that probably really is what he thinks she’ll say in response to that. Next comes a short instrumental part, then, "Dim all the lights, pour the wine (while I sit here and smoke my Cubans) time to get ready for looove!" (Wait, little girl, whatcha doing with that machete, saying, "it’s time to get ready for thiis?"). Then the song mercifully fades out with "time to get ready for, time to get ready, time to get ready for [throwing up] looove!" If I were a girl listening to this song, it would make me hate men so much I’d have no choice but to become a lesbian, which Jack would be Ok with as long as he had a tape recorder handy. JACKASS! No wonder women like gay men so much.

REVIEW #12: "WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL" BY JEFFERSON STARSHIP

     Hi! Hello again and how are you, man it's been awhile hasnt it? No matter, cant chit-chat now, I've got a review to write riiiiightttt... NOW!   In our first ever TV tie in, I decided to do the #1 most "Awesomely Bad Song" according to VH-1 [don't worry if you missed it, its on now], Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City on Rock And Roll", a very bad song indeed, although it is without question the best song I have ever reviewed on this site, but I suppose if VH-1 decided to do the "50 Most Painfully Bad Songs... Ever" then all the songs I did would be high on the list, but that would be too intense for the average viewer, so they had to settle for the most Awesomely Bad songs ever, which there is no doubt, this DKMJ* song is certainly the most Awesomely Bad song I've ever run across.

     Before I get into the song itself, I want to take a minute to look into the title a little bit. If you really did build a city on Rock & Roll, there would be an excess of drugs, sex, and violence, but there would also be an excess of love and unity. Actually, it would be a whole lot like Vegas, only instead of Wayne Newton, there would be Weezer [it really doesn't sound like that bad a place, now that I think about it.] The song starts out a little like "Mr. Roboto", which is good, but then it goes into total roller-rink mode, which is bad. Then the lyrics start, "Pretend you don't know me and can't see my face." Check. Then it goes into the bridge, which says something about Mamba on the radio. Hold on a sec, I thought this city was built on Rock & Roll, not meringue. Anyway, then it starts talking about corporations and them not caring, and whatnot[this weeks KICKER LYRICS.] For the next bridge to the refrain [which, by the way, is just them singing, "We built this city, built this city, built this city on rock and roll!" about twenty-five times, or so it seems] they say "Don't you know that we {refrain}" No, I don't know considering that I am now suffering severe short-term memory loss as a result of slamming my head in the door every time I hear this song [they actually must have had tremendous foresight when writing this song to know that people would actually start to do that upon hearing this song, so they put a lot of repeats in it to remind people of what it was they were talking about.] They then start to sing something about who counts the money underneath the bar, then it sounds a lot like they say "who rides the wrecking ball into our guitars?" I don't know, but I want to try it next, so that I can finally do it literally as opposed to my usual figuratively. The next part is very strange. The next part of the song goes into a sort of a traffic and weather report pretty much stating that the City Built on Rock & Roll was... San Francisco! Really! They don't actually say it, but they do mention the Golden Gate Bridge and the City by the Bay. Make up your own joke here, I dare you. When it says the City by the Bay, it goes, "The City by the Bay, the City that Rocks, the City That NEVER Sleeps!" Um,... excuse me, the City That Never Sleeps, that would be New York. They probably just wanted to see if we were paying attention, is all. More of the refrain with a few shrieks added in for good measure [or perhaps that was just me after having to endure about 4 minutes of this song] until this song , finally, comes to an end.

MEANING: I see this song as a Nostrodamus-like warning: If you continue to let gays get married in San Francisco, eventually, the whole city will turn in to one giant gay disco.

KICKER LYRICS: "Someone always playing the corporation games; Who cares, theyre always changing corporation names; We just want to dance here; someone stole the stage; they call us irresponsible; write us off the page!"  Oh, yeah Rock is anything but corporate, and it wasnt irresponsible at all to go from a really kick-ass band like Jefferson Airplane to a real stink-o [for the most part] band like Jefferson Starship.

                  - Webmasta Derek K    

REVIEW #11: "LAY, LADY LAY" BY BOB DYLAN

     Bob Dylan. For better or for worse, this is a name that means certain things to certain people.  For some, he is a genius, for others, he is an annoying little nasal-whiner who can no sooner sing than, well for lack of a better analogy, than Shat can act.  My own, personal opinion towards Mr. Dylan is that he is a reasonably good songwriter and musician, he just can't sing worth a Haitian penny, and I think this is the way most people feel about him.  This song, however is a  notable exception in that in this DKMJ* song, not only does Dylan not sing worth crap, his lyrics and music suck just as bad, if not worse. In short, this song is like getting rolled over by, yes, a rolling stone.  After hearing so many bad songs, after a while,  they all start to sound alike. This one was no exception for the first few seconds, but then after a little while it started to sound like something The Beatles might have written after returning from India, assuming that upon further recollection, it turned out that their whole trip had turned out to be some kind of fantastic dream induced by anphenamines.  Then the words start, with him sounding remarkably like a stoned Kermit the Frog: "Lay, lady lay across my big brass bed" I hope this isn't innuendo, I hope this isn't innuendo, I hope this isn't innuendo. The next verse is this week's Kicker Lyrics. After that, more "lay, lady lay across my big brass bed" then "Stay lady, stay, for awhile until the next day; make him smile awhile.[????]" At this point my worst fear has been realized: it is indeed innuendo, and really stupid innuendo, at that.  As you could probably tell by now, I'm mostly letting the lyrics speak for themselves, because they are bad, and funny, although unintentionally so, which is really the funniest kind.  I'm not 100% sure about what he says in the next verse, although it sounded something like, "Just 'cause I dirty buggies, doesn't mean I clean"... but I am sure about this next part, ..."and you're the best thing that he's 'eva seen", back into "stay, lady stay." What follows that is about a minute of stupid, semi-comprehensible lyrics, then the "stay, lady, stay" verse again then the final, most disturbing, most direct, and just in general the most perverted and slap-worthy verse, "I wanna see you in the morining light; I wanna reach for you in the night, stay, lady stay." Leave man, leave.  I can only speculate what he meant to suggest by the title itself, none the less by the refrain of Lay, lady lay in my big brass bed, except that he might have actually have thought that someone out there, who's not a whore would have said "Sure, man, sure, I would love to lay in your big brass bed." I know I would have said "Die man, die in my big alligator pit."         

MEANING:  I don't even want to try to take a guess as to what the hell this song meant, because, frankly, I really don't even want to know.

KICKER LYRICS: "Whatever colors you have, in your life; I'll show them to you; and you'll see them shine!". I repeat, I don't even want to try to know what this song means, I really, really, REALLY  don't.

                  - Webmasta Derek K    

REVIEW #10: "RUNNING BEAR" BY JOHNNY PRESTON

     When someone tells you that you just have to see or hear something to believe it, that description barely comes close to this DKMJ* song.  It is Romeo & Juliet with a pathetic twist: instead of the kids being from opposing families, they are Indians from opposing tribes, but know they love each other because they see each other every day, on the opposite sides of the river, but more on that later. This song starts out with a loud, obnoxious, and ludicrously white Indian-sounding chant of "OOONGA OOONGA, OOONGA OONGA." Then Johnny joins in with a voice that sounds a little like Tracy Chapman with laryngitis giving background about Running Bear {Romeo} and Little White Dove {Juliet} {I had no idea Indians spoke so much English.} Then it goes into swing for the song's refrain, which goes: "Running Bear loved Little White Dove with a love big as the skyyy"{nuff said} But wait! There's more!: Runnin' Bear loved Little White Dove with a love that would not diiie!" If you have even half a brain cell in your head, you've figured out whats going to happen by now, but if you had a half of a brain cell, you would walk away, or turn the dial, or demand a refund every time this song came on, and Preston must have realized that, so instead, the song goes on.  The next two verses have to be my favorite. It also happens that they are the last. The first one starts out by saying how Little White Dove and Running Bear would blow kisses to each other over the river in the moonlight, then, later on, it says how they both try to cross the river to meet with each other, but when they meet in the middle of the river, they get killed by the current, forcing them under {this weeks KICKER LYRICS}. I'm confused. If the river is narrow enough so that they could see each other blowing kisses at one another, IN THE FRIGGIN' MOONLIGHT, MIND YOU, then how could it also be powerful enough to sweep them up and kill them with its current?!?!? I feel it is probably a safe assumption to assume that it wasnt raining at the time, but seriously, has this man never seen a river in his entire life?? Other wise, he would just HAVE to know that rivers narrow enough so that you can see your lover blowing you kisses IN THE MOONLIGHT is generally not powerful enough to kill a person. Unless he's just stupid or something. But then again, seeing as how he recorded this song and everything, that might not be an unsafe bet.             

MEANING: If youre an Indian, and you fall in love with a member of an opposing tribe, then maybe you should go back to the reservation where you belong so that this won't ever happen again!**

KICKER LYRICS: "Runnin' bear dove in the wata; Little White Dove did the same; And they swam out to each otha; Through the swirling stream they caame; As their hands touched, and their lips met; the raging river pulled them down; now theyll always be together; In that happy huntin ground! {!}" Which seerves them right, them saaavage behemoths!

**The MEANING segment DOES NOT reflect in any way, shape or form the beliefs or opinion of the author, but merely suggests, in a humorous and satirical way, what the songs artist must have been thinking when writing such an awful song.

                - Webmasta Derek K    

REVIEW #9: "THE BALLAD OF BILBO BAGGINS" BY LEONARD NIMOY

     First off, I want to thank faithful Anekalacheeger Erik for suggesting this wonderfully awful song to me. Let his influence serve as an inspiration to all you out there in Internet Land, if I like your suggestion, I will review your song and thank you on the internet, so if you have a song you wish to suggest, E-MAIL ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE!!!!! I can only find so many bad songs on my own. On to the review: In continuation of my series {part 2 of 2} on Songs Recorded by Trek Stars That Must Have Taken Their Roles Too Seriously, and as a Result Began to Record Songs That Could be Appreciated Only by Space Aliens. Having said that, this song is much better than the last one, which is a lot like saying Communism is a lot better than Nazism. I realize this DKMJ* song was meant for children, but that does not mean it is not a bad song. For example: the songs on "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood" may not be particularly enjoyable to us now, but we can still appreciate that they have good music and a good message, and can easily understand how it would be enjoyed by a child. This is not a children's song like that. It is made even worse by the fact that it is about The Hobbit, which is a great book for kids and adults alike. Leonard's singing is tolerable, though, and compared to Shat, he is Placido Domingo {One of the Three Tenors, in case you didnt already know that}. But then again, even my neighbor's dog sings better than Shat does. The song starts out with a weird, almost Celtic sounding intro, then goes into a verse than the refrain, which goes: "Bilbo {backgound kids} (BILBO!) Bilbo Baggins! ( BILBO BAGGINS!) hes only 3 feet tall! Bilbo! (BILBO!) Bilbo Baggins! The bravest Hobbit of them all!" What would inspire an accredited, respected actor to do this is totally beyond my level of comprehension, except that I think a man named Benjamin might have been involved. He then proceeds in to numerous verses in which he proceeds to tell the plot and story line of the novel {one of these verses is this weeks KICKER LYRICS}.  All I can say is Leonard, in case I ever get to meet you, after hearing this song, you had better not get on my bad side.

MEANING: Avoid LSD. Please, at all costs avoid LSD.

KICKER LYRICS: "Fought with the goblins! [neer neer neer]; battled with a troll! [neer neer neer] Reeled with Gollum, a magic ring he stole! [neer neer neer]" J.R.R. Tolkien should have slapped him.     

  by Webmasta Derek K